You Might Be a Redneck IF...      Back Home / Back to Redneck

Bonnie put this collection together from all over the web, and put them in CATEGORIES!  We can't thank her enough for doing it.  Git an extra beer and ENJOY this fine monument to a very common style of life.  No matter who you are, you are on this list somewhere.

Animals

- the fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats

- there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house

- you go to your local pet shop for a cat scan

- you have barnyard animals living in your house

- you have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor

- you have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket & a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace

- you recognize a copperhead & your heart drops when you see one

- your parakeet knows the phrase, 'Open up, Police!'

- your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room

- you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-mart

- you use a pig for a garbage disposal

- you've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car trip

 

Attitude

- bikers back down from your momma

- you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to 'Georgia on My mind"

 

Baseball caps

- there is more oil in your cap than in your car

- you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions

- you know of at least 6 different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat

- you own at least 20 baseball hats

- Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT"

- your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap

- you've ever bought a used cap

 

Bathing

- people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe

- the lake has to be restocked after you take a bath

- you bathe only when it rains

- you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub

- you can't take a bath in the winter cause the stream is frozen

- you consider your annual bath one too many

- you *have* a clawfoot bathtub

- you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard

- you have to go down to the creek to take a bath

- you move your weed wacker to take a bath

- you own all the components of soap-on-a-rope except the soap

- you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture

- your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family

- your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener

- your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

- you have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your grandma would let you in the house

 

Beer, drinking

- Jack Daniels makes your list of 'most admired people'

- redneck legislators also raised the minimum drinking age to 32; they want to keep alocohol out of the high schools

- the best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels' 'over yonder in them hills'

- the idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you & your friends trying to read the label on the bottle

- the worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels' the other day

- you argue to the government that the budweiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world

- you have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can

- you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle

- you have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license

- you have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can

- you name your twin boys, Jack & Daniel

- your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town

- your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

- you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light

- you take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way

- you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader

- you've ever been too drunk to fish

- you've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store

- you've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer

- you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car

 

Bugs

- there is a wasp nest in your living room

- you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter

- you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table

- your wife's hairdo attracts bees

- you think OFF is a fine smelling cologne

- you've ever bathed with flea & tick soap

 

Bumper stickers

- You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT  AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

- your bumper sticker reads, 'if you're missing your cat, look in my treads'

- your bumper sticker says, 'My other car is a combine'

- The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

- you've got more bumper stickers than children

 

Cars & trucks

- cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley & a hook

- duct tape & wire are the only 2 things holding your truck together

- fewer than half of your cars run

- people hear your car long before they see it

- Starting your car involves popping the hood.

- the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes

- the duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out

- the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot

- the hood & 1 door are a different color from the rest of your car

- the make, model & license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud

- there's a pothole in the road so you swerve - to hit it

- the taillight covers of your car are made of tape

- warp drive describes the condition of your car

- you are driving the truck you were conceived in

- you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head

- you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt

- you clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower

- you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison

- you haul more than U-Haul does

- you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood

- you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top

- you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your truck

- you have a house that's mobile & 5 cars that aren't

- you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education

- you have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the light & radio to work

- you have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck

- you hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it

- you identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers

- you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car

- you name your car, the General Lee

- you put a clapper on your headlights

- your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, & you like it

- your car is the only one in a parking lot & you can't find it

- your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips

- you're husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new

- your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor

- your car is made out of 17 others & each part is a different color

- you refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud & rust is all that's holding it together

- you repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot

- your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does

- your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps

- your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race

- your old car is now considered the main storage unit

- you read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen

- you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the 'day my ship came in'

- you refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name

- You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

- your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it

- you roll your pickup truck & laugh about it

- your pickup bed converts into a swimming pool

- your pickup truck no longer has a back

- your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater

- your truck has more neon on it than the window of your local bar

- your vehicle has a 2-tone paint job - primer red & primer gray

- you see a sign that says 'bridge out' & you try to jump it

- you think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars

- you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

- you think blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool

- you think blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool

- you think 'dual airbags' refers to your wife & mother-in-law

- you think the French Riviera is a foreign car

- you use a '55 Chevy as a guest house

- you've totaled every car you've ever owned

 

Chickens

- any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl

- the bill is figured either in dollars or chickens

- the neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house be because the fwol are big enough to hurt them

- one or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl

- you have ever come home & hard a ruckus in the bathroom.  When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, & was currently fighting with said chicken

- you have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof

- your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

- your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl

- your favorite fruit is chicken

- your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens

 

Church, religion

- instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call

- a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because 'It ain't never been in a hold it couldn't get out of'

- opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday

- people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the 2 fish were bass or catfish, & what bait was used to catch 'em

- people think that 'rapture' is what you get when you life something too heavy

- the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'wheeling' wash tub

- the choir is known as the "OK Chorale"

- the choir robes were donated by (& embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbeque

- the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy

- the final words of the benediction are 'Y'all come back now, ya hear.  God bless & don't fergit ta say yer prayers.'

- the finance commitee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.

- the minister & his wife drive matching pickup trucks

- when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering", 5 guys & 2 women stand up

- you are in a congregation of 500 members, but there are only 7 last names in the church directory

- you can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap

- your annual church fundraiser always deals with bbq & potato salad

- your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap

- you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., & heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida

- you've ever asked the preacher, 'how's it hangin'?'

- you've ever made change in the offering plate

- you've ever worn hunter's orange to church

- You whistle at women in church.

 

Clothing

- the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair

- every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets

- flannel is your favorite color

- it doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted

- none of your shirts cover your stomach

- three-quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them

- when a sign that says 'Say No To Crack!' reminds you to pull up your jeans

- you consider a 3-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt & thermal underwear

- you don't change your socks until the first pair rots off

- you have to duct tape your gloves on

- you offer to give someone the shirt off your back but they don't want it

- you own a homemade fur coat

- your belt buckle weighs more than 3 pounds

- your best coat is a black & red checkered

- your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because of the weight of your pocket knife

- your favorite T-shirt is offensive in 13 states

- your granddaddy always wore overalls & your grandma always wore an apron

- your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve

- you think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup

- you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow

- you've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans

- you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding

- you wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciat suppers, & vacations

 

Computer, high tech

- there is a belch on your answering machine greeting

- There's Bondo on your keyboard

- You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools
- You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

- You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your truck

- You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures and country music tapes in Excel

- You know that a 'network' has nothing to do with fishin'

- your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

- your eMail address ends in '.over.yonder.com'

- your friend tells you he went online last night, & you think he took a drunk driving test

- your presence on the World Wide Web is a 'down home pate'

- Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor

- you search your computer monitor for that dial that changes channels

- You start all your eMails with the words "Howdy!"

- you take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your eMail

- you think a computer hacker carries an axe

- You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

- you tthink Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company

- you think the internet is a new fishing tool

- you tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD

- You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on
- You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood Plank fencing installed on your computer

 

The Confederacy

 - More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general

- one of your neighbors has a confederate flag hanging on their porch

- you are still holding onto Confederate money because you think the South will rise again

- you raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive

 

Culture

- after 5 years you still hear, 'you ain't from 'round here, are ya?'

- all the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal

- everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

- getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck

- taking a dip has nothing to do with water

- the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are 'Howdy!', "Hey!", or 'How ya'll doin'?'.  If they respond with the same, they're a redneck too.

- the local papers cover national & international news on one page, & 6 pages for local gossip & sports

- the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.  (Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it)

- when asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say 'it was different'

- y'all' is singular & 'all y'all' is plural

- you don't know what a redneck it

- you end sentences with a preposition: 'where's my coat at?'

- you give directions using KFC & Waffle House as landmarks

- you know all 4 seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer & Christmas

- you know exactly how long 'directly' is, as in 'goin' to town, be back driectly'

- you know that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, verb or an adverb

- you know that 'gimme some sugar' is not a request for the granular sweet substance that sits in the bowl in the middle of the table

- you know the difference between a 'redneck' & a 'hick'

- you measure distance in minutes

- your standard of living improves when you go camping

- you think 'country & western' covers both types of music

- you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue & Primer Gray are the 3 primary colors.

- you've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor

- you've ever hitchhiked naked

- you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature

- you've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name

- you've used the same knife to make bull calves steers & peel apples

 

Dancing

- on stag night, you take a real deer

- when somebody hollers 'hoe down' & your girlfriend hits the floor

- you pick up your girlfriend on a bike for the prom

- your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care

- you've slow danced in the Waffle House

 

Death, funerals

- anyone in your family ever died right after saying, 'Hey, ya'll watch this!'

- you ever shot somebody over a mall parking space

- your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather

- you have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours

- you have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck

- you have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you

- you've been to a funeral & there were more pick-ups than cars

- you've ever stayed until the last shovel of dirt is thrown & the tent is torn down

- you've ever worn shorts to a funeral home

 

Decorating

- The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

- an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall

- you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice

- you have a bowling machine in your kitchen

- you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace

-you have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, & they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side

- you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland

- you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips

- your best ashtray is a turtle shell

 

Deliverance

- your proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if you can squeal like a pig

- your school fight song was 'Dueling Banjos'

- you think 'Dueling Banjos' is classical music

- you think the moutain men in 'Deliverance' were just 'misunderstood'

 

Dogs

-any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes & lasso it & tackle it to the ground

- the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

- ever lost a dog to a bush hog

- there are big labrador retrievers in the back of every truck

- there are more than 10 lawsuits currently pending against your dog

- 'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too

- You ever named a child after a dog.

- you have buried a dog & cried like a baby

- you have jacked up your home to look for a dog

- yoy or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have kids

- your dog & your wallet are both on chains

- your dog can't watch you eat without gagging

- your dog is your alarm clock

- your dog rides in your truck more than your husband does

- your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't

- you refer to your dog as the dishwasher

- your front porch collapses & kills more than 3 dogs

- your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in

- your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room & nobody noticed

- you think 'cur' is a breed of dog

- you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog

 

Driveway

- any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl

- you don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box & you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dog when they get into it

- you have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway

- you have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line

- you live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it

- your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years

- your dirveway is 2 tire tracks with grass growing down the middle

- you've ever been stuck in your own driveway

 

Education

- Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker

- during your senior year you & your mother had homeroom together

- the diploma hanging in your den contains the words 'Trucking Institute'

- the 5th grade is referred to as 'your senior year'

- higher math means counting over 10

- the number of times you've seen either Elvis or an UFO exceeds your I.Q.

- you are in the 6th grade & the only one in your family that can write your name

- you ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word

- you can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABCs

- you missed the 6th grade graduation because you had jury duty

- you need a dictionary to spell your name

- you think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived

- your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade

- your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack

- your homecoming basketball game was rained out

- your lips move while reading a stop sign

- your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal

- your momma has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event

- your school dress code contains the line, 'shoes optional'

- you think a subdivision is part of a math problem

- you think people who send out graduation announcements are show-offs

- you think the vowels are: E.I.E.I.O.

 

Family

- any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk

- any of your kids were concieved in a car wash

- in the delivery room, your husband says, 'That's worse than skinning a deer!'

- people ask your wife when her baby's due & she's not pregnant

- You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.

- you ever called your sister 'Mom' & didn't have to correct yourself

- you go to the post office to research your family tree

- you have a relative living in your garage

- you have more than 2 brothers names Bubba or Junior

- you or one of your relatives is named Cletus

- your baby's first words are "attention K'Mart shoppers".

- your birth announcement included the words 'rug rat'

- your brother-in-law is your uncle

- your dad is also your favorite uncle

- you refer to your cousin as 'my girlfriend'

- your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one

- your family tree does not fork

- your gene pool doesn't have a 'deep end'

- your grandma can bench press ruck axle

- your momma has ever stomped into the house & announced, "The feud is back on!"

- your mother is hairier than your father

- your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III

- your parents met at a family reunion

- your sister is the 3rd generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction

- your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown

 

Finances, money

- you have ever written a check for less than a dollar

- your primary source of income is the pawn shop

- You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs

- you think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator

- you think the stock market has a fence around it.

- you've ever held somebody up with a caulking gun

 

Fishing

- there are more fish on your wall than pictures

- you can rent a movie & buy bait in the same store

- you fish in your above-ground pool - & catch something

- you have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum & chewing tobacco

- your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years

- you're an expert on worm beds

- your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net & dynamite

- your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter & a dip net

- your tackle box contains dynamite & blasting caps

- you take a fishing pole to Sea World

- you use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

- you've ever absent mindedly nibbled on your live bait & didn't spit it out

- you've ever too drunk to fish

 

Food

- fried catfish is the other white meat

- if you know how many collards, turnip greens, peas & beans make a 'mess'

- if you know that a carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop; it's a coke, regardless of brand or flavor

- in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite

- in the summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every meal

- shopping for dinner involves an orange vest

- the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade

- you consider pickled deer organs a delicacy

- you consider pork & beans to be a gourmet food

- you ever barbecued Spam on the grill

- you get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes & grits

- you have a burger 'all the way' - chili & slaw on it

- you have an Elvis Jell-O mold

- you have at least one relative that raises collards

- you have your own secret bbq sauce

- your family has fried chicken once a week

- your idea of a fancy dessert is 'moon pie ala mode'

- your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC & a 6-pack

- your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup

- your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse

- your secret family recipe is illegal

- you son has ever stolen dissected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry

- you think possum is the 'other white meat'

- you think Tang is in the fruit group

- you think that beef jerky & Moon Pies are 2 of the major food groups

- you think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre

- you think that the stryofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time

- you've ever re-used a paper plate

- you've ever shoplifted Spam

- you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said 'concentrate'

- you've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter

- you've ever used scissors on food

 

Garbage

- coons get into everyone else's trash but yours

- the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife & wave to her

- the Salvation Army declines your mattress

- when the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup & start all over again

- you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck

- you only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup

- Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

- your property has been mistaken for a recycling center

- your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade

- your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went

- you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

- you've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket

 

Gas, gasoline

-  If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.

- a peaceful meditation session is one without gas

- self-service requires a siphon hose to get a full tank of gas

- the bluebook value of your truck goes up & down, depending on how much gas it has in it

- when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank

- you have a rag for a gas cap, on a car that does run

- you go to a wedding or any formal party & ask someone to pull your finger

- you lit a match in the bathroom & your house exploded right off its wheels

- your car has never had a full tank of gas

- your grandfather completely executes the 'pull my finger' trick at the family reunion

- your kid takes a siphon hose to show-&-tell

 

Guns & ammo

- instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, 'just in case'

- Smith & Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation & there was nothing you could do about it

- there have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen; particualrly if they have lain there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells

- there is a gun rack on your bicycle

- there is a sheet hanging in your closet & a gun rack hanging in your truck

- you complain about the ban on assault weapons because it makes half of your guns illegal

- you gave your young son a super-soaker water gun & an NRA application for his birthday

- you got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece

- you have guns in your house that you cannot find

- you have more that 500 rounds of ammo in your house, not including .22 caliber

- your 4-year old is a member of the NRA

- your gun cabinet takes up half of your living room

- your idea of heaven involves 2 shotguns & a keg of beer

- your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk

- your momma has 'ammo' on her Christmas list

- your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, 'gun control is a steady hand'

- you save old kitchen appliances for target practice

- you surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions

- you use the 'O' on a stop sign to sight in your new rifle

- you've ever been given a gun as a present

- you've ever shot a mouse inside your home

- you've ever shot anyone for looking at you

- you've given your gun a woman's name

 

health & hygiene

- birds are attracted to your beard

- chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns

- if you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax

- you can chew your own toenails

- you clean your nails with a stick

- you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck & the left arm below the shirt sleeve

- you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut

- you prefer car keys to Q-tips

- your favorite cologne smells like exhaust

- your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee

- your masseuse uses lard

- your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan

- your local beauty salon also fixes cars

- your mustache is longer than your wife's hair

- you roll your hair with soup cans & wash it once a year

- your wife has ever burned out an electric razor

- your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat

- you've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack

- you've ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick

- you've had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day

- you've never paid for a haircut

 

Holidays

- Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap

- the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse

- the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights

- you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it

- you gave your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismal for his birthday

- you put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down

- your back porch is bigger than your house

- your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included

- your Christmas tree is still up in February

- you recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents

- your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet

- your kids can't go out for halloween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from

- you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota

- you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas & wait for Granny & cousin SueEllen to walk by

- you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table

 

House, home

- at least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than 40 years old

- every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard

- if you know that a tornado & someone going through a divorce have a lot in common: someone is gonna lose a trailer

- someone knocks on your front door & your back door rattles

- the ASPCA raids your kitchen

- the directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road"

- the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls

- a tornado hits your neighborhood & does $100,000 worth of improvement

- there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets

- you have a house that's mobile & 5 cars that aren't

- you have to go outside to get something out of the frig

- you instal security lights on your house & garage & leave both unlocked

- you move your frig & the grass underneath it has turned yellow

- you own more than 2 clappers

- your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool

- your dog house & your living room have the same shag carpet

- your home has more miles on it that your car

- your house has a kickstand

- Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD"  sign on the back.

- your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper

- your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire - on her house

- your richest relative buys a new house & you have to help take the wheels off it

- your screen door has no screen

- your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell

- your whole family sleeps in the same bed

- you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

- you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen

- you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table

 

Hunting

- when you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time

- you ever filled your deer tag on the golf course

- you have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums

- you have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock & hit them

- you have ever shot a possum on your porch

- you have the taxidermist's number on speed dial

- you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income

- your biggest ambition in life is to 'git that big ole coon, the one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..'

- you're in bed with your wife & you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed

- your momma tore her best dress coon hunting

- your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your 2nd buck

- you shot your own 12-point coat rack

- you think deer hunting should be an olympic sport

- you think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season

- you've ever hit a deer with your car - deliberately

- you've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun

- you've ever shot a deer from inside your house

- you want the opening day of deer hunting season to be delcared a national holiday

 

Kudzu

- kudzu covers your arbor

- your coat-of-arms features kudzu

- you trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL

- you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu

 

The Law

- he needed killin' is a valid defense

- a policeman asks for your I.D., & you answer, 'About what?'

- redneck murders are hard to solve.  all the DNA is the same & there are no dental records

- someone asks to see your ID & you show them your belt buckle

- there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door

- when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco & Firearms, & the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not

- you have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn

- you list your parole officer as a reference

- Your state's got a new law that says when a couple
get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

- your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A

- you think that Roe vs. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek

- you think those yellow traffic signs that say 'slow children at play' means the kids in the area are not too bright

- you've ever been arrested for boot-leggin'

- you've ever been arrested for loitering

- you've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses

- you've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt & shoes law

- you've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig & he replies, 'I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today'

 

Lawn & garden

- city code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits

- a half-moon reminds you or your fat husband pulling weeds

- it is easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it

- the oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

- there are 4 or more cars up on blocks in the front yard

- a tornado goes through your trailer's yard & makes it look neater

- you burn your front yard rather than mow it

- you buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your 'stuff' (cars, trucks, building materials, etc)

- you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a hose

- you can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate & yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday

- you can tell the difference between cotton fields & tobacco fields while driving

- you have more tires in your yard than on your trucks

- you know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold

- you let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty

- you mow your lawn & find a car

- you picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it

- your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard

- your lawnmower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade

- your wheelbarrow breaks & it takes 4 relatives to figure out how to fix it.

- you've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower

- you've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun

- you've ever used a weedeater indoors

 

Love & romance

- after the divorce you still call your ex 'Cuz'

- if your wake up with both a hickey & a black eye

- on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor

- taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen

- when your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack

- you & your wife celebrate your anniversary at the K-mart cafeteria

- you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it

- you dated your daddy's current wife in high school

- you give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again

- you got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel

- you go to the family reunion to pick up women

- you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures

- you honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises & seductive tongue gestures

- You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

- you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer

- your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test

- your mom kisses you goodnight & you go to school the next day & say you've met your future wife

- your wedding was held in the delivery room

- your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up

- your wife has a beer belly & your find it attractive

- your wife weighs more than your refrigerator

- you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting

- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass

- you think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night

- You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

- You think there’s nothin’ wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

- you've been married 3 times & still have the same in-laws

- you've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present

- you've ever parked your date nest to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint

- you've ever used lard in bed

- you wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you

 

McDonald's

- if you are 20 & you can still go in McDonald's playhouse

- there are more than 5 McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car

- you can feed a family of five on one McDonald's Extra Value Meal

- you stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonald's

- you think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu

 

Medical

- ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern

- anestesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar

- dogs hang around OR for scraps

- double by-pass surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel

- hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof

- immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizards' feet, owls' beaks & pigs' ears.

- the interns are led by Ernest T. Bass

- maternity room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife & a string

- nurses wear flour sack uniforms & look like burned out cloggers

- surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite & a chain saw

- your gynecologist is Ernest

- you have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack

- your local ambulance has a trailer hitch

- you share the Recovery room with a sick cow

 

Motels

- Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming

- you ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room

- you wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel

 

NASCAR

- you can remember the entire NASCAR series schedult but can't remember your wife's birthday, kids' birthdays or anniversary

- you can remember every NASCAR driver & their car number but can't remember how old your children are

- you go to the stock car races & don't need a program

- your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock

- you spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights

- you think the last words to The Star-spangled Banner are, 'Gentlemen, start your engines'

- you've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'

 

Neighbors

- any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hold because you moved their outhouse back about 4 feet

- every time you visit someone you're offered something to eat & a glass of tea

- the neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home

- the people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

- you have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops

- you know instinctivly that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of fried chicken & a bowl of potato salad

- your neighbor has asked to borrow a quart of beer

 

Road kill

- your dad says, 'Let's hit the road for dinner', & then grabs a shovel

- you see a forest fire & think 'bar-bee'q'

- you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph

- you think 'Meals on Wheels' is another name for roadkill

 

Shoes

- You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

- you own more cowboy boots than sneakers

- your horse wears shoes, but you don't

- your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels

- your wife has ever taken 2 pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house & the pickup, & the other pair to wear at the funeral

- your wife's best shoes have steel toes

 

Shopping

- people mistakenly come to your house thinking you're having a yard sale

- the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice

- you get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment

- you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, & girlfriend, & you only need to buy one gift

- you go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts

- your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids

- You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

- you've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store

 

Sports & recreation

- Someone says they spotted Bigfoot & you go buy tickets to the tractor pull

- when it rains & the creek rises, everyone gathers to see how high it rose

- you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work

- you consider a 6-pack & a bug zapper high-quality entertainment

- you consider 'Outdoor Life' deep reading

- you drive around a parking lot for fun

- you fainted when you met Slim Whitman

- you go to a tupperware party for a haircut

- you know that 'chuck' the ball means to throw it.

- you know what 'cow tippin' is

- your baseball bat 'ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things'

- you're 42 & still have clowns come to your birthday party

- your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold

- your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language

- your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts

- your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat

- you think a chain saw is a musical instrument

- you think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport

- you think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater

- you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are 'Play ball!'

- you thought that the Una bomber was a wrestler

- you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys

- you've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass

- you were shooting pool when your kids were born

 

Star Trek

- the ship, all the shuttlecraft, & the ship's mascot are all named after your favorite movie actresses

- the warp reactor is coated in duct tape, Bond-O, & super glue

- you hang fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

- you have a hand-tooled holster for your phaser

- you have a shuttle called 'Billy Joe Bob'

- you have the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger & aluminum foil

- you insist on calling your executive officer 'bubba'

- you install a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

- you keep a 6-pack under your command chair & a gun rack above it

- you keep livestock in the cargo bay

- you light your cigarettes with his laser pistol

- your moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

- you order the ship int timewarp so you can have another go at the 'Tuesday Night All-you-can-eat Ribs' buffet

- you order the sickbay to carry castor oil & turpentine

- you paint flames & an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

- you paint the starship John Deere green with racing stripes

- you program the food replicator for beer, ribs, & turnip greens

- you refer to any intelligent alien race as 'critters'

- you refer to a Pulsar as a 'blue light special'

- you refer to Photon Torpedoes as 'popguns'

- your refer to the Mutara Nebula as a 'swamp'

- your idea of a 'gas giant' is that big ol' ox bubba after a meal of beans & weenies

- your idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

- you rewire your communicator into your belt buckle

- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

- you say 'got your ears on, good buddy' instead of 'open hailing frequencies'

- you say 'yee haw! let's get this puppe movin' instead of 'engage'

- you set the fore viewscreen to reruns of 'Bassmaster'

- you set your phaser to 'Cajun'

- you sing 'Lucille' instead of 'Kathleen'

- you've ever ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

- you wear mirrored shades on the Bridge

 

Star wars

- at least one wing of your X-wing is bondo colored

- more than half the droids you own don't function

- sand people back down from your momma

- there is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

- the moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it

- the number of blasters you own exceeds your IQ

- the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters

- Wookies are offended by your BO

- you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok - without using the word 'chicken'

- you can find no grammatical erros in the way Yoda talks

- you can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force

- you don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket

- you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit

- you have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home

- you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

- you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard

- you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thing to get the bar-b-q gril to light

- you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial

- you have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's

- your father has ever said to you, 'Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side - it'll be a hoot'

- your Jedi robe is a camouflage color

- your moonshine is made on a real moon

- you think the best use of your lightsaver is picking your teeth

- you think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag

- you think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

- you used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth

- you've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent

- you've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI

- you wonder why Luke & Leia gave up on getting married

 

Tattoos

- you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos

- you've ever financed a tattoo

- you've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives' names

 

Teeth

- if you think a redneck invented the toothbrush cause if anybody else had invented it, it would be called 'teethbrush'

- instead of flossing, you use a plunger

- it takes you & 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth

- none of your zippers have all their teeth either

- somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth & you take them out to see what it is

- the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth

- you & your teeth don't sleep in the same room

- you can spit without opening your mouth

- you go to the dentist for a 'tooth cleaning'

- you keep your teeth & your goldfish in the same glass

- you pick your teeth from a catalog

- you reuse dental floss to save money

 

Tires

- none of the tires on your van are the same size

- the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones

- the tires on your pick-up are taller than your children

 

Tobacco

- one of the options on your truck is a spitoon

- you participate in the 'who can spit tobacco the farthest contest'

- you refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigerettes as your medical encyclopedia

- you smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month

 

Toilet paper, outhouses

- every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark

- going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes & a jacket & grabbing a flashlight

- someone in your family says, 'cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it'

- the directions to your bathroom include, 'Go past the big oak & hang a left at the woodshed'

- the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house

- You and your dog use the same tree.

- you have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode

- you prefer the Sears catalog to Charmin

- your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped

- your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded

- your master bathroom has the words 'porta' & 'potty' written on the side

- your toilet paper has page numbers on it

- you use the water in your toilet to bob for apples

- you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom

- you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher

- you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame

- you've ever used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper

- you've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it

- you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean

 

Tools

- baling wire & a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools

- you consider duct tape & tarp straps necessities for auto body repair

- you keep a chainsaw in the trunk 'just in case'

- you need only 2 tools: WD-40 & duct tape.  if it moves & shouldn't, use duct tape.  if it doesn't move but should, use WD-40

- you think the only tools 'real men' need are duck tape & caulk, & you have successful repair projects to prove it

 

TV

-  Down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

- if you display your satellite dish directly in front of your trailer because the dish cost considerably more than your trailer & should be displayed prominently

- when you hear someone talking about the king, you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty

- you been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado

- you can give a summary of all the 'Dukes of Hazzard' episodes

- you can name all the characters from the 'Dukes of Hazzard'

- you have all the 'Dukes of Hazzard' episodes on tape

- you have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet

- you have every episode of 'HeeHaw' on tape

- you just bought your family their 1st Atari game system

- you keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues

- you're still upset that they canceled 'The Dukes of Hazzard'

- your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's most Wanted"

- your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

- you think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part

- you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth

- you thought ER was ET's cousin

- you've ever entered yourself in a 'Howdy Doody Lookalike' Contest

- you've often wondered what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy

- you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored

 

Values

- in tough situations you ask yourself, 'What would Curly do?'

- your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days

 

Wal-Mart

- going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' wal-martin' or 'off to wally world'

- if the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart

- you borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart

- you go to Wal-Mart to people watch

- you think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8"

- you think Wal-Mart is expensive

- you've got more gun 'on display' than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods

 

Work, job

- the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business

- you bring your dog to work with you

- you call your boss 'Buddy' on a regular basis

- your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand

- your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest

- you think you are an entrepreneur because of the 'Dirt for sale' sign in the front yard

 

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