stated “you might be a redneck if”, David Letterman has his “top ten list”. I
have stumbled upon “Only a True Southerner Would Know”. Harken back to the days
when you sat on Granny’s porch, you might remember some of these:
Only a true southerner knows how many collards,
turnip greens, peas and beans make a “mess”. Same with caught fish like
bream and crappie. "We're fixin' to cook up a mess of crappie.
Come on over."
Only a true southerner knows exactly how long
directly is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
All true southerners, even babies, know “Gimme
some sugar” is not a request for the granular sweet substance that sits in
that bowl on the middle of the table.
Only a true southerner knows that fixin’ can be
used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only true southerners grow up knowing the
difference between right near and a right far piece. They also know that just
down the road can be one mile or 20.
No true southerner would ever assume the car
with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. Or the car
with no flashing turn signal is not going to turn.
Only a true southerner knows instinctively that
the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of
fried chicken and a bowl of potato salad. If the neighbor’s got a real crisis
they also know to add in a large bowl of banana puddin!
When you hear someone say, “Well I caught
myself lookin’…,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine southerner!
Only true southerners say sweet tea and sweet
milk. Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it. Sweet milk means
you don’t want buttermilk. Like my grandmother used to say: “run up there to
Fred Kitchen’s grocery store and get me a gallon of sweet milk.”
Only a true southerner would know how much
work a person has to do before becoming, "plumb tuckered out."
11. A true
southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30
mph on the interstate. You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go on your way.