European Alert Levels on the Rise              Back to War / Back Home

Thanks to Moose for sending us this urgent update, and to Lisa for updating it:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is
NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs come equipped with glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Americans, as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes
on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere ... New Zealand has raised its
security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense
cutbacks (their airforce being a squadron of teenagers flying paper
aeroplanes and their navy consisting of toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I
hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has
raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to
cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no
situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

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