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Spoiled Food Test:
How to Tell When Foodstuffs Should Be Discarded

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night.

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- or
wrecked, anyway -- by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball
should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it
has gone bad.

 

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