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How to act while in the South A tourists guide

 Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Yankees

( i.e. Northerners, North-easterners,  North-westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites)

1. Don't fake a  Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.  It's just a diner.  They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something  they know. If  you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

3. We are fully  aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.  Just spend your money  and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

4. Don't order a  bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody  gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...  it's still a Coke. Accept it.  Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't  refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your  ass.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of the fact we will kick  your ass.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened  to Longstreet  and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the  middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.  If you visit  Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8.  Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy  Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

9. Don't  order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a  Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on  your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

10. Don't talk about how much better  things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern  hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If  you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper  English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care  if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand  what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty  and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you  whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like  they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of  us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston.  Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15. Last, but not  least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will  get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come  down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine  box...minus your ass.

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