Rules for Pets and Visitors        Back to Pets  /  Back Home

For all you pet lovers.
     Dear Dogs and Cats,
   *The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
   other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
   print in  the middle of my food does not stake a claim for it
   becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
   pleasing in the slightest.
     *The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
   Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
   since I fall  faster than you can run.
   *I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am truly sorry
   about  this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
   ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
   sleep.    It is not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other,
   out   to  the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
   straight out   and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
   space is
   nothing but sarcasm.
   *For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
   by  some  miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
   necessary   to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
   paw  under the edge  and try to pull the door open. I must exit
   the same door I
   entered. I    have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
   feline  attendance is not    mandatory.
     *The proper order is kiss me and THEN go smell the other dog or cat's
      butt.  I cannot stress this enough!
     *To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
   on our  front door:
      * Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About
      1. They live here. You don't.
      2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
      (That's  why they call it "fur"niture )
      3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
      4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
    son/daughter  who is  short, hairy, walks on all fours (or threes), and
    does not speak clearly.
      *Why dogs & cats are better than kids because:
       - they eat less,
       - don't ask for money all the time,
       - are easier to train,
       - usually come when called,
       - never drive your car,
       - don't hang out with drug-using friends,
       - don't smoke or drink,
       - don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
       - don't wear your clothes,
       - don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
       - and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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