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Thanks to Keith L. for sending this one!

PRICELESS OBSERVATIONS

 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 
  
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'  - Eleanor Roosevelt 
  
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain 
  
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;         and to have the two as close together as possible  - George Burns 
  
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge 
  
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain 
  
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates 
  
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx 
  
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante 
  
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I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 
  
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine 
  
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield 
  
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Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan 
  
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 
SHUT UP . - Joe Namath 
  
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope 
  
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields 
  
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers   
  
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill 
  
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller 
  
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal 
  
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And the cardiologist's diet: -   
      If it tastes good; spit it out.

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