Why I'm Not Coming to Work Today           Workplace Humor    /    Back to Lists   /     Back Home

Thanks to Keith L. for sending this one!

“Why I won't be Coming to Work Today”

 

 1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

 2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel happy about it.

 3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source of exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

 4. My stigmata are acting up.

 5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

 6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

 7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

 8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

 9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet  

13. I prefer to remain an enigma.  

14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead, and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.  

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.  

18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

 

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