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When I was at Fort Benning with the 4th Inf. Div. in 1951, there was a soldier in my outfit who was a very awkward individual...he couldn't do anything right.

As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Commanding Officer.

The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"


A Lieutenant in a unit had a big butt and was called Fat Ass Lieutenant behind his back.
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the Fat Ass Lieutenant in the company area.

The Lieutenant got mad and said, "Do you know who this is?"
The private said, "No."
The Lieutenant replied, "This is the Fat Ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "Do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "No."

The private said, "Good!...Goodbye, Fat Ass," and hung up.


A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"


A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.  During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.  So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left out doors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.  He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.  Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force.  I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.  I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit out of aircraft.

Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"


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