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Thanks to Moose for sending this one!

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital
  
    Please select from the following options menu:
  
    If you are obsessive-compulsive,
    press 1 repeatedly.
  
    If you are codependent,
    please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  
    If you have multiple personalities,
    press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
  
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
    Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  
    If you are delusional,
    press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
  
    If you are schizophrenic,
    listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to
    press.
  
    If you are manic-depressive,
    it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy
    anyway.
  
    If you are dyslexic,
    press 9696969696969696.
  
    If you are bipolar,
    please leave a message
    after the beep
    or before the beep
    or after the beep.
    Please wait for the beep.
  
    If you have short-term memory loss,
    press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss,
    press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss,
    press 9.
  
    If you have low self-esteem,
    please hang up.
    Our operators are too busy
    to talk with you.
  
    If you are menopausal,
    put the gun down,
    hang up,
    turn on the fan,
    lie down and cry.
    You won't be crazy forever.
  
    If you are blonde,
    don't press any buttons,
    you'll just mess it up.

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