The Irish In Us           Jokes   Back to the Weeville Home Page

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
   he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
   sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
   and he's walking with a limp.

  "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

  "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

  "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't
  do that to you, he must have had something in his
  hand."

  "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
   and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

  "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
   didn't you have something in your hand?"

  "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and
   a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

  =======================================

  An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
   driving home from the city one night and, of course,
   his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop
   pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
   "where have ya been?"

  "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
   drunk.

  "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
   a few to drink this evening."

  "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

  "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
   folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
   intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

  "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
   there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

  ======================================

  Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
   morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So
   what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
   husband passed away last night."

  The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
   Mary, did he have any last requests?"

  She says, "That he did, Father."

  The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

  "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn
   gun.'"

  ===========================================

  A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
   confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The
   Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the
   drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
   three times on the wall. The drunk  mumbles, "ain't no
   use knockin', there ain't no paper on this side
   either."

 

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