Grits Redneck / Back Home
Thanks to Jeff C. for sending this one!
What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes
and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after
spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits
are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are
obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing
as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent
research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained
down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai
Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating
that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red
eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not
punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep
underground under intense heat and
pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit.
Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina,
and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull
dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and
many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits
can continue to be served morning after morning for
breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to
create synthetic Grits. They
call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key
ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and
shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been
shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
As we mentioned earlier,
the first known mention of Grits
was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After
that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years.
Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only
during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the
public due to their rarity.
The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the
ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary.
The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima
to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not
put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it
Grits, for this is blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy
as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only
biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is
manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is
done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham
in cast iron pan. Remove the
ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for
several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing
your grits from the stove top,
add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING:
Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the
Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or
a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors
match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy
on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for
sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned
or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they
cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to
Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1
grain of salt.) Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a
spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so
they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees
will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in
1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served
this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
A TRADITIONAL BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the Lord bless these
May no Damn Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
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