Garter Snakes are Deadly             Jokes  /  Back Home

Thanks to Leo for this one!  This is long, but worth the wait.

Garden Grass Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can
be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's
why.

A couple, up on the Sweetwater, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it
go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the living room to
see what the problem was. His wife told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to
lie still and called an ambulance

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him
on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake
came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it
and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg in four places, for which he was eventually taken to the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with
a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while
relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the
snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at
the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,
knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed more than a dozen stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were in the process of arresting them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake and the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and
as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the
fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder
when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but t hey
did get the house fire out).

Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, insurance replaced the couch and curtains, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

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