How to Give a Cat a Pill         Back to Pets  /  Back Home

1. Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foil wrap. Make note to get new rule & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered china figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply antiseptic to partners' forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbors' shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with a rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

14. Get partner to drive you to hospital and sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture store on way home to order new table.

15. Take cat to the vets to get a pill.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

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