THE NEW 2005 CALIFORNIA    
STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER  
 

 

SICK DAYS -- We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS -- Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK -- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE -- It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE -- This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements, unless the funeral is in your own - which will require two weeks' prior notice.  Failure to give two weeks' notice before your own funeral will result in dismissal.  In rare cases where living employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch period and subsequently leave a few minutes early.

RESTROOM USE -- Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders".

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Signed,

THE GOVERNATER
 
 
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