Greeting Cards You'll Never See
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"I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed
"I must admit, you brought
religion into my life. I never
believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that
we've been together, I can't
help but wonder: What the heck was
"As the days go by, I think of how
lucky I am that you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for
Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think
of all the gifts you've given
me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my
life! I never new what evil was
"Money is tight, times are hard,
here's your %$#@-ing Christmas
"Congratulations on your
promotion. Before you go, I would like
you to take this knife out of my
back. You'll probably need it
"Someday I hope to get married,
but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but
I can't handle guys with
breasts that are bigger than
"I just want you to know that I'm
sorry for what happened,
especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great
for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"Congratulations on getting
married! It's not every day you
decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich,
powerful, and well respected. While
I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't
so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always
said you'd die for me. Now
that we've broken up, I think it's
time you kept your promise."
"Just remember... Jesus Loves You
- Everyone else thinks you're a
"I knew the day would come when
you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water
bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very
long time, so let's say we call it
"I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here."
"If you ever need a friend, buy a
"Congratulations on your new
bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
who the father was?"
"If you didn't have any money, I'd
still love you. And miss you
"Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your
birthday -- so we're having you
put to sleep."
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